Bugger its late!

So as am sitting here eating a bowl of cereal with way to much sugar i started to think about what i have to do tomorrow. My usual things try to potty train reid, therapy with killie, clean, cook, etc.. Well then the one thing i want to do popped into my head. I don't want to say what it is because of the chance it wont happen. but it has made me think, hard and long about my girls. I am so blessed to have killie but at the same time i feel so empty knowing that i don't have kerstin j here on earth with me. I know i will have her again but for some reason it hasnt brought much comfort lately. i dont know what the deal is but i cant sleep because i close my eyes and see her toes and the burst of blood when the dr. cut her cord, her last movement in me. sometimes her sister would mover he out of her way and i thought maybe it was all a bad dream. But then a screaming child snaps me out of it and i realize in a mater of 3 days i lost a child. i wander way to much if it was the right decision. i place to much blame on myself for what happened but cant seem to stop. i often forget some of the greatest things around me. my family, a loving husband, two awesome kids, and the little things. Well today i was wandering if in the course of what i want to do tomorrow if ill be asked if i have changed? Well have I? Am i really that different then what i was before my twins? Before i lost a daughter? I dont know. I would like to say i am. But i still find myself falling into old habits, here more lately. I get my self all ready to start something big and find my self in a worse spot then i was before. So have i really changed that much? have i grown up and matured? i would like to say yes but i dont know. i feel so bad for those who have lost a child they had a chance to raise even if it was just a few days or weeks. and then i feel bad for being so niave that i lost a child that i never really knew. I knew her though. i knew her movements compared to her sisters. i remember there first movement i was in the lobby of the theater on wadley, mct! I remember everything but what she looked like. I feel awful for not being at her grave every day but i just cant be there. i have two other kids to take care of. i dont know. im just a little nervous about tomorrow i suppose. i have to talk about something that almost killed both of my daughters to a stranger and get her to understand how important this is to me. I hope it works like i have it planned out in my head, but in my head i would be asleep by now! anyway just some thoughts.